iEATcars!

On another recent trip to the grocery, I decided to step into the bathroom for a second, and yet again I was reminded on just how weird the people are in my neighborhood. Because as I stood at the urinal, with reusable shopping bags tucked under my arm, a man walks in and stands there for a moment. I didn’t turn to look over. I just stood there, finishing what I had come to do, when it had become a little obvious that I was being watched.

Cardinal Rule #1: Don’t stare at another dude while he’s urinating.

Just before I turned to give him the WTF face, he blurted out, “Whoa, man! I thought your elbow was all swolled up!”

Of course, I still turned around and gave him a WTF face, but more so for the fact that I didn’t know what he was talking about. Then it occurred to me that he was referring to the bags tucked under my arm. I responded with a quick nod and courtesy chuckle.

Then he blurted, “I was about to say you need to stop jacking off so damn much with an elbow like that.”

Cardinal Rule #2: No talking while you’re at the urinals, and definitely don’t talk aboutjacking off at the urinals, for crying out loud!

Needless to say, I was a little uncomfortable at that point, so I quickly finished up and made my way back out to the store, deciding I’d start my shopping all the way on the opposite end of the store.

That didn’t help.

Very shortly after, while I was perusing the cheeses and hummus selections, he popped out from around the corner. His eyes locked with mine and he gave me a big, ol’ toothless grin. That kind of grin you give people you’re close with. The hey-I-know-you smile. Being the polite guy, I obviously smiled back.

“Hey, man. Let me ask you something,” he spoke up.

“Ok.”

“Which one of these here tater salads is the good one?”

“Potato salad? I don’t really know.”

“You ever eat ‘em?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You make your own?”

Aside from the version they make at Pita’s and the kind you find in the bottom of a Greek salad from time to time, I can’t stand potato salad. I love mayo, but I don’t want my potatoes swimming in it. But I knew this was more conversation than I really wanted to have with this guy, so I responded with a quick “Yea.”

That’s when he jumped up and grabbed my arm, giving me a big weird bear hug of sorts with one arm across my shoulders. As he grabbed on to me, he shook me and started laughing. “I’ll bet you do!” he shouted out in a drunken slur and continued to laugh.

I was stunned… at a loss of how exactly to react to that, aside from the nervous smile I got out. But just as suddenly, he let go and went on his way. Still, I’m a bit baffled by that one, but I’ve come to the realization that it’s pointless to try and understand these people I live around. You just have to roll with the punches… or weird grocery store wrestling matches in this case.